Full House

Economic and social forces are fueling a trend toward multigenerational living. Here’s how to make it work.
Bergen Full House

For his last two years at Binghamton University in New York, Nicholas Eubank lived off campus in his own apartment—not quite “adulting,” but close enough to afford him a heady foretaste of independence. Meanwhile, his mother, Christine, a history professor at Bergen Community College, had begun to savor her newfound freedom from the daily demands of parenting an adolescent. Then, last May, Nicholas graduated, and without the immediate prospect of a wellpaying job—and with rents in and around Bergen County far beyond his reach—he moved back into his Paramus home, something Christine Eubank admits she once wouldn’t have relished.

As it happens, Nicholas is only one of a growing number of 18- to 34-year-olds living with their parents. Nationwide, nearly a third of young adults have either moved back home or never left. In New Jersey, the proportion is even higher, at 44 percent. And while specific statistics for Bergen County aren’t known, the percentage here could well be higher still, thanks to our formidable average rental price of just under $2,500 a month and an average home price of $665,000—the secondand third-highest in the state, respectively. Those numbers also help to explain why more aging parents are moving in with their adult children and why other multifamily arrangements—among siblings and cousins, for example—are becoming more common here.

Of course, this “new” family home isn’t new at all. Multigenerational living is still common throughout much of the world, including in Europe, notes Erin Augis, a professor of sociology at Ramapo College, whose own father, born in France, grew up in a multigenerational household. “European kids live at home until they get married,” she says. When she and her siblings moved out on their own back in the 1980s, it was rough on her dad. “He knew it was the American way,” Augis says, “but he was still saddened by it.” In fact, in the U.S., multigenerational living was the norm through the 19th century, when the economy was dominated by farming and adult children remained at home to help out until they married. (Even then they were often ceded a portion of the family farm, keeping them physically and emotionally close to their parents.)

In the 20th century, as the country grew less agrarian and increasingly industrial, multigenerational living arrangements gradually gave way to the nuclear family home, inhabited solely by parents and their offspring. Meanwhile, the virtue of staying close to family was largely replaced by the ideal of independence. “My friends and I would have considered it almost social death to stay at home after high school or college,” Augis says.

That’s hardly the case today. “Nearly all of my son’s friends were living at home after college,” says Eubank. And Augis notes that “many of my students, young adults from 20 to 25, are still living at home.” Some of them may even be living in a home with both their parents and grandparents, as social and economic forces continue to reshape the way we live, and with whom.

THE BOOMERANGERS

The high price of real estate is no joke. From 2021 to 2023, the average home price here rose from $541,040 to $598,998, escalating by another 10 percent from 2023 to 2024. Incredibly tight inventory is keeping those prices high, notes Matthew De Fede, a real estate agent who sells homes in Bergen and Essex counties. “Another factor affecting affordability is the increase in real estate taxes,” he says. And high home prices and real estate taxes are fueling high rental prices, making it nearly impossible for a large number of recent graduates to afford their own place, even with roommates.

The so-called Boomerang Generation isn’t heading back home solely because of real estate prices. “Over the last 10 years, there’s been a trend toward entry-level internships,” says Augis. “Companies are offering internships, paid or unpaid, for work that used to be done by salaried employees.” When she asks her students what they plan to do after college, she notes, “their response is typically, ‘I’ll move home and then I’ll look for a job.’” (Nicholas Eubank did find a job after moving back in with his mom. He’s currently on an 11-month contract, learning a lot, says his mother, Christine, but not in “a traditional career-track job.”)

Sometimes adult children boomerang after being out on their own for a decade or more, upon realizing that they may not be able to save for a down payment on a home of their own without their parents’ help. William J. Martin, an architect in Westwood with 30 years’ experience, has seen an increasing demand for houses that can accommodate multiple generations. Many of his clients, he says, “want to help their adult children get on their feet and have their own American dream.” By moving back in with their parents, those adult children are more able to save up for down payments that are, in fact, escalating faster than home prices.

MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY

Real estate is also fueling another form of multi- generational living, as older parents are increasingly moving in with their adult children—sometimes because they can’t afford to live on their own, especially in today’s inflationary economy, and sometimes so that they can help their adult children deal with another escalating-cost item: childcare. As it happens, New Jersey is the second most expensive state in the nation when it comes to childcare, with an average annual cost of nearly $23,000. Moving in Mom and Dad as de facto babysitters can save parents here as much as one-third of their household income.

When Fort Lee residents Mike and Diane Miller had their second child, they realized they could no longer afford the cost of childcare. “We wanted the best for our kids, and the only way we could afford that was to have Mike’s mother move in with us,” recalls Diane. Creating a “grandma” suite in the basement was costly, but in the long run, she says, “it will save us tens of thousands of dollars—and the kids love being so close to their grandmother.”

Some parents, to help their children get a foothold as homeowners, are selling their own homes so they and their adult children can go in on a new home together. And when older parents themselves need care—a growing reality with today’s longer lifespans—moving them into an adult child’s home may be the best option, economically and otherwise.

Families are also moving in with their aging parents when chronic illnesses, or simply the demands of getting older and more frail, make it impossible for those parents to live on their own. “This speaks to some of the shortcomings we’re seeing in the U.S. healthcare system,” says Alexandre Olbrecht, a professor of economics at Ramapo College. “We as a country are not equipped for the Baby Boom generation to age.”

BENEFITS AND PITFALLS

Multigenerational living offers payoffs beyond the purely financial. “When you don’t have to worry about who’s going to take care of your kids, that removes an economic burden but also a huge source of stress,” says Marisa Tarateta, a social worker and family therapist who is the director of older adults at Bergen Family Center in Englewood. It also creates a sense of community, beyond the tight confines of the nuclear family. And Tarateta notes that that feeling of belonging to a community has been shown to increase well-being and even lifespans.

Adult children may also derive emotional benefits from living longer with their parents. “They’re likely to maintain closer ties to their parents through their 20s and 30s and ultimately have healthier relationships with them,” Tarateta says.

But there can be hazards, especially in a society that until recently elevated independence over family togetherness. Martin notes that a lack of privacy can lead to friction and has motivated many of his clients to redesign their spaces. “It’s very important to take privacy into account when you have multiple generations under one roof,” he says, “whether it’s older parents as caregivers or younger married couples that you’re trying to help out.”

And differences that seem insignificant when people are living apart can feel overwhelming when family members move in together. Stephen Oreski, Ph.D., a family therapist in Paramus, notes that in-laws may have particular problems finding their fit together. When grandparents are brought in as caregivers for young children, for example, childcare can become an especially contentious issue, with parents and grandparents each holding firm to the idea that “my way is the right way.”

And when an adult child moves back home, says Oreski, “family systems and dynamics that were in place before the child left home can be reactivated.” Parents may expect the child to adhere to old rules, like a 10 p.m. curfew; the adult child, on the other hand, may expect parents to resume old habits, such as doing all the laundry and most of the household chores—assumptions that can lead to resentment.

A surprising challenge of multigenerational living, especially among parents living with their adult children, can be loneliness. Oldsters “may feel pushed aside, as the young family goes on with their daily activities and neglects to include grandparents,” says Oreski. It’s not only true of grandparents, of course. When her landlord raised the rent on her Hackensack apartment to $2,000, Karly Greene, who’d gotten into debt after a major surgical procedure, moved into her brother and sister-in-law’s house in Fair Lawn. She lives in a private ground-floor suite, which she loves, and although she’s paying rent to her brother, it’s far less than she’d be shelling out for her former apartment. Still, she admits: “I feel very isolated. They invite me up for dinner once or twice a week, and it’s only for an hour. They must pass my door 20 times a day, and yet a week can go by when they never speak to me.”

For those who feel awkward as adults sharing a living space with another adult generation— or two—there’s one consolation. You may not be living out the Father Knows Best family pattern of a few decades ago, but you’re not the Lone Ranger. Today you’re very much on trend.

FAMILY FULL HOUSE: A MAINTENANCE MANUAL

If you’re living in a multigenerational or interfamilial household, or plan to sometime in the future, there are ways to avoid the pitfalls and make the arrangement succeed for everyone involved:

“Set boundaries and discuss expectations,” Paramus-based family therapist Stephen Oreski, Ph.D., advises. Who’s in charge of which household chores? What activities will be shared? Will dinner be eaten together, every night?

If your adult child is moving back home, remember that he or she is, in fact, an adult. “I know it’s hard to give up the role of mom or dad,” says Oreski, “but you have to realize your child is going to live an independent life.”

Keep communicating. “Be very mindful of what the other people in your home are experiencing and check in with them frequently,” Oreski advises. Consider establishing a regular family meeting to maintain communication.

Be mindful of the need for privacy. When planning a space for a new family member, don’t neglect his or her potential need for some alone time. If you don’t have the room or the finances for a separate suite, consider creating a living area in a bedroom.

Take practicalities into account. If you’re building a new space for a family member or renovating an old one, make sure you understand local zoning laws. Not all areas are zoned for two-family homes, says Martin, “and in a lot of Bergen County towns, when you have more than one living unit in a house, it can be considered a two-family home.” Find out whether you can install a second kitchen or a separate entrance before you plan your addition or renovation. One amenity you can almost always add, says Martin, is a second laundry room, which affords family members a sense of independence and privacy.

Appreciate your time together. Rather than dwelling on the inevitable moments of friction, consider what you’re getting out of a situation that will not, after all, last forever. “My son is mostly launched,” says Christine Eubank, a history professor at Bergen Community College and the mother of a recent college grad. “He may dip back home at some point this winter, but it won’t be for long. He knows, however, that he always has a home with me if he wants or needs it.”

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